Saturday, July 26, 2008


So, in case you didn't know, I'm a little bit of a control freak. I know it, I admit it, and I'm not sure how to change it. Anyway, this adoption process so far has been a bit of a challenge for me already in terms of having to wait on other people to do their "part" for us. I hate it.....I hate the uncertainty that comes with relying on other people to do something important, I hate the potential of something getting messed up. I would rather be stressed out by doing something myself than have someone else potentially not do it the way I want. Yes, I need therapy. But I digress...

Well, today was my turn to *almost* really screw up, and boy was I mad at myself. We applied for a grant to help with adoption costs back in June. There were some other pieces of paperwork that needed to be compiled and sent in within 30 days to the foundation for consideration. I guess I got my days mixed up and thought we had a bit more time than we did. Last night, I realized that the 30 day mark is Sunday and we basically had a day to get a package half way across the country. Of course, that meant more cost involved and frantic running around to finish compiling stuff and get it sent off. I was so mad at myself for missing this. I could handle not getting a grant....that would just mean that another deserving family was benefiting from the generosity of others to help their child come home. But to not get a grant because of my mistake in timing would have driven me batty. So, yes, I was frantic this morning. I was ugly and demanding and had little faith in anything as I drug my kids around trying to fix this mess. I hate when I act like that. Unfortunately, I've done it a lot recently.

Well, how quickly was I put back in my place... I guess the finances of the adoption has been a stressful concept for me. We're not independently wealthy. We don't have a huge trust fund. I mean, Rush is a police officer and I work part time. And adoption is expensive! Well, I have forgotten so quickly that this call that has been placed on our family is not orchestrated by us, or agencies, or governments, or laws. It is all totally orchestrated by God. The timing, the child, the process and even....the money. I am so quick to think that God will not provide what we need financially for Rylie to come home to us and I don't know why. Such little faith I have. Well, God sure smacked me in the face. I came home and looked at the blog. The daily bible verse was the following:

Psalm 112:5 Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
who conducts his affairs with justice.

Ugh, I'm thinking. You know that feeling you get when you totally get called out about something? Insert that feeling here. It was as if God was telling me to worry only about the things I can really generosity, helping others, being fair and just in my conduct. And, He'll take care of the rest....the Good part.

I guess there's a pretty good chance that we won't get a grant from this organization. And that's fine. But I hope that doesn't discourage me. I hope I can find the faith to believe that regardless of what happens, the money will come. I don't need to know how or try to control the means in which it does...I just need to believe that it will...which for me, is really the hard part. Can you put that on a list to check off? No? Shoot.....I love lists.

(Let me also just say that this is in no means a subliminal way of begging for money. Really. I have just been learning so much from this process that it is nice to be able to share a bit of it all. It goes so much deeper than you would ever believe.)

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